I have my appointment with my Voc Rehab counselor, Miss Moss.
I have been totally depressed today. But I started out right. I went to church. So, that was a good thing. Before the service, a lady came and sat next to me, and told me her story. Then, she asked how I was doing. She also prayed for me. That part was uplifting. What got me down, is that my favorite pants ripped. It was really a downer moment for me, and made me sad.
So, what do I do when I am sad, and depressed? I turn to God. Thats the only thing that really uplifts me, back out of my depression. Sure, my medicine helps, but only when I take it. When I get this way, it is hard to come out of it. I guess it is also after the Holidays. There is still New Years, but my New Years plans are to stay in. I just finished Luke for Advent. I was a day late, and a dollar short, but I never gave up.
I have been trying to find a way to communicate about a Delima I am facing in my life. I need to move on. But, yet, I continue to want to meet. It is with a heavy heart that I have not been able to move on. Something keeps biting at me, to want to meet. I don’t know when, and I don’t know where. But I just get this strong feeling still of wanting to meet. Not for sex. But we could do something else. Sex to me, is disgusting. I have never indulged in sex, because of this. I am constrained by others from expressing how I truly feel. So, I just say it- I want to meet. People have antagonized me, and gaslighting me, so my response is, to want to meet.
Just what the title says. I have never cared for sports. My whole life, I have never had a moment where sports was fulfilling to me. I have had to tolerate other people’s love of sports, in order to enjoy there company. So, that is the only reason I was ever exposed to any sports. I am from Texas, and could care less about Football. Don’t get me started on Basketball, or baseball. The rivalries don’t make any sense to me. A&M and UT are both from Texas. How could they be rivals? It makes no sense.
But, in the unlikely event that I would start a sports team, I would have the colors as blue and orange. The mascot would be a horse. I used to ride a horse for therapy, that is why. That horse was fast, and bucked me off a couple of times. But I got back on, and kept riding.
So, let me begin by giving credit to another author. It was anewwriter3. They wrote an excellent post about the past year. So, I will try and do something similar here. I want to start by highlighting some of the things I did this year.
At the beginning of the year I was sick. I was living in my apartment in Everett, Washington, and had to go back to work. But I needed the money to pay rent, and to stay on top of my bills. To many sick days, and I would be out of my apartment! Or I might have to sacrifice my phone bill. Wouldn’t that be a crime? lol. But I made it into work.
I worked at Evergreen Goodwill. It was over on Casino Road, about a mile from my apartment. It was a nice place to work. Everybody was so nice to me, and uplifting, and positive. They did not even mind me smoking. We even celebrated Thanksgiving together! It was so much fun to work at Goodwill.
But- my money got mixed up. Somehow, I had $5000+ in my NAVY Fed. When I went to pull the money out, well the account went negative. I was thinking it would go to a zero balance. Instead I owed $3400. So, I panicked. I opened a Boeing Credit Union account. Which worked for a little while. But I was still able to pay rent at this time. It was so sad, that negative balance almost ate my savings. But I withdrew all my savings so I could deposit it into the Boeing Credit Union.
Johnny let me go do this, before I clocked in. I was so excited, and almost didn’t notice when he had me clocked in, and being paid, while I was at BECU. At BECU they granted me an account based on my “living in Washington State”. Even though I didn’t work at Boeing. How nice of them!
Jazmine advised me not to close my NAVY Federal account. So, I still have that. In the future I will use it again. But for now I use a different institution. So, I have peace of mind. It was probably just an error or something.
Then, what happened. Well, I got some lighting for my apartment. My friend, Stephanie, bought me an extra lamp for my living room. But it had a missing piece. She said I could get it from Fred Myer. But I never did. The lamp worked great! Ben helped with another lamp. But I ended up driving Ben, to take his cats to the vet.
I also passed my 90 day review at Goodwill, I remember. That was a big moment for me. The reason is, that I could not understand how come it took so long. I had been working longer than 90 days. Maybe they just wanted to give me a chance to try harder, because I missed some days by being sick. Everything was still going smooth, where I had plenty of money it seemed. But then, after my pay day, I realized my money for my disability would probably go to my NAVY Federal account and be lost! So, I knew I couldn’t pay rent.
This was in April. So, I ended up thinking of ways to pay rent without having a notice for eviction. If I had had a notice of eviction, I would have been able to go to the Human Resources to apply for rent assistance, as a Veteran living in Snohomish County. But my notice of eviction wouldn’t come till May, so that would mean I would owe June’s rent as well. So, I would garner two months of debt and not be able to pay my rent. So, I would run out of money eventually.
So, at the end of April I went and quit my job at Good will. I turned in my badge, and my vest. We had to wear a yellow/orange vest. I told Jazmine, in the presence of the Manager “I quit”. But that wasn’t after at least trying to apply for work at Boeing, and applying for Voc Rehab. But I got turned down for both of those.
When it came to my lease. I just talked to Jill. I asked how much it cost to break my lease. She said it was $1100+. I realized, it was pay rent, which I could no longer afford, or break my lease. So, I went with “Break my lease”. So, I hightailed it on the road! Let me share you pictures of my apartment.
That is a selfie in my bedroom. I had my head shaved.lol Don’t ask. She is very beautiful. She lives in Kentucky.
A picture of the view outside my apartment. Isn’t it lovely? That is Goodwill in the background. I like the way the sun was reflecting off the clouds. I didn’t see that very often, in Washington State. I see it a lot in Texas, however.
This is my whale friend. I found him at Goodwill, and couldn’t resist. He just laid there in my bed, and kept me company. He didn’t say much either. But- he was there.
Another selfie, me standing near the pantry. Thats where my table was, and I had those nice folding chairs too. I still use the pajamas. I miss the hoodie! It was purchased when I did a road trip from Virginia, to Texas.
Anyways, once I broke my lease, I packed everything I could fit into my car. I was surprised how much stuff I could fit. But I knew I had to drive over the mountains so I kept it light. I left my suit, too. I miss that suit. They helped me pick it out at the Goodwill store. I made sure to get any documents with my name, and address on it.
Then, that next morning, without a word to anyone, I began driving back to Texas! But first I made sure I had pressure in my tires before I left. I began to drive, and drive. I drove for two days straight. I stopped only for a bit of rest at certain lengths of the trip. I could not afford a motel room. I kept checking my Boeing account, hoping my disability had come in there, instead of into my NAVY Fed. Had that happened, I would have stopped at a Motel in Salt Lake City. I did end eating In and Out there. It was pretty good, and under $7 dollars!
Anyways, as I drove. I did not stop to look at anything. The route Google had me going, there was a lot to see. Because I went through Washington-> Oregon->Idaho->Utah->Colorado->New Mexico, and then into Texas. On to 287South. While I drove on 287, it was dark and cloudy. I didn’t want to keep driving, but I had too. It started pouring, and thunder, and lightning like you would not believe. Those truckers kept passing me by- but they didn’t understand. My car needed its oil changed, and I had been driving for two days.
So, I did my best to stay on the road. But At one point one of the trucks tried to pass me- and the wind shook up, right as he was about to go around me. But he ended up putting on his break a little bit, so I stayed ahead for about thirty minutes, thanks to that wind.
As I said, I would pull off the road to sleep once in a while. Well, it wasn’t really rest. It was just me, catching up a little bit, so I could then drive a bit further to the next resting place. It was nightmare, honestly, trying to get back. Because I knew I would miss Washington. That winter season as fun to me! I love a nice cool, wintry day. But you don’t get that here in Texas.
But things change. MY Dad ended up sending me $200 in a money order, to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Thanks to my Dad, and his generosity, I could still afford gas, and even to eat a little. I think my next restaurant was a Wendy’s too. I was starving by then. Or maybe it was Jack-in-the-Box. Either way, I ate pretty quick and got back on the road. I got to Texas right when it starts to get hot. When it came to the heat I knew I was going to die in the summer. But I resolved myself.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this blog post. I enjoyed writing it, expressing my feelings, and how I dealt with everything. I hope it was informative as well. Originally, I thought Google would take through good ol’ El Paso. But instead it took me back through Amarillo. So, i don’t know why it did that. Amarillo is nice too, but you know I was hoping to get onto I-20 from there. But as I was on 287S I had to ride out that storm as I was driving. So, it sucked. Given that I didn’t really want to return to Texas. But in the end, what did I achieve? I lived on my own, for eight months and proved to myself I could do it. Just next time, don’t accept unverified money into my account like that.
The Day after I got back, I ended up getting more money into my NAVY FED. So, I knew something was up again. I told my Dad, “Drive me to NAVY Fed right now, and I can pay you”. So, he di that. Dad and me, went to NAVY FED and while my account balance was at $7800, I withdrew my disability and gave my Dad his $200 back. He gave me a break on rent. So, I knew I could make it through the month. But now I had to find a job.
Anxiety
Well, I did find a job. At first, I went back to DefenseTex. But they had me stuck in some hell hole, messing with an app that was time sensitive and refused to work for me. Scott put in a call to a company called Ranger Guard, while we were at Captain D’s. He helped me get the job I have now, because when they called to Interview me, they were asking me what shift I wanted to work, and what was my uniform size. Fast forward a few months.
I was working the Golden West Food Group. It was almost time for me to clock out, and my relief was there. He was walking towards my car, so i turned down my music, and had to put out my cigarette, I felt like. So, I did. Then, a trucker walked up at the same time. He wanted me to sign something. I was going to do it, but I asked my relief, “Can we just sign this for them, and he can park?” My relief said, “No, he needs to go to the office to sign it” my anxiety kicked in major, because this same guy had told me a couple days earlier, to sign it and let them park. So, I was unable to smoke, and I had my music down, and I really felt my anxiety.
I guess I need a job, where I sign stuff. Because I was anxious that I could not sign, for the trucker. I honestly don’t know why the anxiety kicked in, but my guess is, that I was not able to help the trucker by signing his document, so he was disappointed and felt he had wasted his time. I turned on my music, and lit a smoke again, but it didn’t help. I still felt the anxiety for a while afterwards. I felt so helpless. Thank you for reading my blog!
It was the Spring of 2007. I had just discovered Political Crossfire, on the Internet. I was addicted to that website, man. Let me tell you, I found this YouTube of the 1967 Soviet Parade, on there. It was my SECOND Youtube. My first was Line Rider. Anyways, so I watched this, and read what the communists were saying, initially. I was hook, line, and sinker going for it.
But I ended up falling in with the conservatives, because the liberals came out hard against Israel. They were always dissing on Israel, and they would blame the Jews for every little thing. Even 9/11! It had to stop. So, the conservatives banded together, to stop the leftist infiltrators. It was so fascinating. There were other big debates that ended up drawing me to the conservatives, where I felt my actual views were represented. That was the first time I was ever called a “bigot” or a “racist”. Imagine being called a racist by an “anti-semite” lol.
Wow, this question seems a bit deeper than a lot of the questions I see on here. I think I am not a very good judge of character. On my own. But with God in my life, I let Him be the judge. So, I do alright. I try to obey what I find in the Bible, and what I have heard in Church. Then, His judgement, and not mine, comes into play. Am I perfect in applying His judgement? No. I find myself sometimes wondering whether we truly understand all the scriptures. I read somewhere that there are over 40,000 different translations of scripture. So, its possible to be missing something. But with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, you cannot go wrong.
When I speak about the Holy Ghost, I am not speaking about Him in a Pentacostal understanding. I mean, that when we accept Jesus into our life, the Holy Ghost will guide us, and take over. Tastes will change, the way you live will change, the way you see the world will change too. This happened to me. When I was in the NAVY, even though I was a Christian, I would go party. I would listen to all sorts of music. Now, I don’t party, and I don’t listen to much non-Christian music.
So, when you have the wisdom of the Holy Ghost leading you, you will make different decisions. I don’t often speak about this- because I don’t want to be boastful. Were it just up to me, I would still be partying and listening to every kind of music. But something took over. It wasn’t like a change in taste, because I tried going out still, and listening to non-Christian music- and I found myself not enjoying it.
I do not believe everyone grows the same. You know, you might be a Christian and still be partying, and listening to non-Christian music. Those are really just examples of things that still changed in my life. Somethings have not changed- for example, I still smoke. I do not view smoking as a sin, but I do think it is a nasty habit. Nevertheless, I continue to smoke. But I don’t usually have much alcohol. I do not think its just my restraint, but it is the Holy Ghost that causes this, somehow. I could fill a book, and never really be able to explain it to you. Do you understand what I mean?
My Reading
Here is the book I have been reading. I have been reading it the last few weeks. I just finished reading, and was inspired by the subject material to do a little bit of writing myself. Paul: A Biography, turned out to be really good.
One thing I really liked about this book, is it was a biography on Paul. I have always wanted to read a book about Paul, to see what someone else has to say about him. Because of his relationship with Jesus, I believe, he ended up having an enormous impact on the world. But it wasn’t for his own purpose, it was for the sake of Christ. Paul is the man, who God chose to take the gospel to the Gentiles. Currently, the Gentiles rule the world. Imagine that.
Another thing I really liked about this book, were the maps that detailed Paul’s journeys. He went on no less than three missionary journeys to spread the gospel. Paul went back to Corinth about three times. One time, the Corinthians rejected him. Hence, his many visits. But at the end, they decided to contribute funds to support the church in Jerusalem.
The last chapter I was puzzled by somethings, however. For example, the author relays a story from 2 Kings. Where some angels confounded the troops of Assyria. Well, the author through another source, attributes this miraculous event, to mice gnawing at the draw strings, of the bows that the Assyrians were going to use.
Another thing that the author does, which I am not to sure about. He ties in Paul’s Jewish background, as being the source which Paul used to spread the gospel, including the recital of the Shema. I think when Paul met Jesus on the road to Damascus, however, Paul put those things away. There is a verse where Paul says, “When I was a child, I did childish things, but when I became a man I put those things away”. So, I am not sure where this verse comes from, but it is very telling. Because the man who was on the road to Damascus was a completely different man from the man on the road to Athens.
See how we have a contrast here. Saul of Tarsus was going to Damascus to destroy the church. Because of his Jewish zeal, we are told. Yet, at the same time, we are told, in the book, that Paul was on the road to Athens to spread the Good News, ALSO because of his Jewish zeal. But after his conversion, on the road to Damascus, you see, Paul put those things away. We see this over, and over, when Paul confronts the Jewish believers in Jerusalem about the Gentile believers, beginning to fill the church. Paul did not require them to be circumcised. Titus, was uncircumcised. However, the author notes later, that Paul circumcised Timothy.
So, we have a case where Paul does one sacrament of the Jewish faith, and the author is claiming that Paul fell back on his Jewish roots. But when you pay attention, to what Paul says, I believe, it is clear he really did not do that. Paul was dependent on Jesus to fulfill his duties, before God. That is why Jesus said to Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you”. Paul didn’t need those things, because he had Jesus. Which really made him who he was. Without Jesus, there would be no Paul. I am not saying that he didn’t use the knowledge he had, however. He certainly did, and he had a lot of knowledge.
Here is where it gets tricky. I believe God, through the events of History, and through the birth of Jesus, prepared the world to actually be able to receive the Good News. Rome, and before that, Alexander the Great, and even the Persians, and Babylonians had been used by God to position Israel where she was in those days, as Judea. Then, Jesus appears to Saul, who became Paul, and from that God directed things in Paul’s life that led him to have an impact.
Peter was also an Apostle of Jesus. Initially, the Angel told Peter to go to the household of Cornelius, a Gentile, and to preach about Him. But even though Peter did this, we see things later, that make it clear to us, Peter was not equipped with the same understanding and heart as Paul had. Because Paul has to confront Peter about the way he handled himself in front of the non-Jewish believers. I don’t think it was just based on Jewish-teachings that gave Paul the insight to be able to reach the gentiles, it was actually a combination of His new heart from Jesus, and the Holy Spirit guiding him. The reason I say this is because of another scripture. I just thought of it, and now I forgot it.
The author does point out however, that Paul did have love. For the Philippians, for the Thessalonians, and for the Corinthians. That is why he suffered so much. Five times he was whipped, he was stoned, and he was imprisoned. All so that he could bring the Good News of Jesus to the Gentiles.
The author was not sure where Paul went after his two years in Rome. The author supposed, it was possible he had made it as far as Britain. He referenced a hymn or a song to support the claim. But he also claimed it was possible, that Paul either went to Spain, or back to Jerusalem and to visit the churches once more. Or, perhaps, after his two years of house a rest, his appeal reached Caeser and Paul may have been beheaded there- or years later. So, it is not clear when Paul died. But the author supposed, that when he died that Paul had on his lips the version of the Shema he had made, that he opens his letters with.
I hope you enjoyed reading this short review of Paul: A Biography. Most of the references for this book, are contained within the text. However, I would recommend keeping a Bible handy, because the author jumps around a lot from one letter to the next. To keep from getting confused, you can look up each book, and he gives some passages that when I read them, really gave clarity to what the author, and Paul were saying. Enjoy! Merry Christmas!!!
I have not actually felt happy. Thats why I need a therapist. I don’t do the things I did, like before the car wreck. I don’t sit down as much, I don’t play computer games, I tend to figit. I tend to pace around, and I also have become lazy as a result, because I burn my energy figitting and pacing. Sad.
I started up as Brandenburg, on low difficulty. I got my butt kicked within two years. A friend suggested playing England. Since I am new, nothing like having the Royal Navy to keep those European armies at bay.
My Dad wanted coffee! First time in a long time. I keep telling my parents, they need to drink coffee. Grams and Pops drank coffee. Everyday.
I made a pot of coffee. But initially, I only drank one cup. I was tired, and I need to go to see a Doctor this morning. That is why. Normally, my Dad turns off the coffee pot when he goes to bed. So, I went down stairs expecting to have to warm the coffee in the microwave. But instead, my Dad had left the coffee pot on. I was so excited! Fresh hot coffee when I really needed it.
So, I was able to write this post. As I listen to Handle’s Messiah. Greg Laurie is about to come on too. I always look forward to his program. I am behind in reading Luke, for Advent. But everything seems Merry and Bright. I work tonight!
The Courier 